Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser...

Yes, I took that line from the "All Grown Up" theme song.

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I’m 24 now, guys! Where the HELL did the time go??? It feels like just the other day I was blowing out 10 candles at American Girl with my best biddies at my side. Or being hype that I turned 13 and got a BlackBerry, even though it didn’t have BBM because my Dad wasn’t tryna pay for that. He could’ve just gotten me a regular phone then, I know. #WestIndianDadLogic 🤦🏾‍♀️.

The past two years have been extremely instrumental in my growth as an adult. There have been lots of tears, low points, and minus signs in front of my account balance, but I feel like I’ve grown tremendously since I’ve graduated college. 22 was full of lessons, 23 was me being a little hard-headed about implementing those lessons, but 24 is me having clarity, really taking hold of those lessons & getting ready to step on necks (also learning new ones, obviously!).

Here are the most important lessons I learned from 23:

1. Leave the things that don’t serve you. Seriously. LEAVE.

Chileeeee I was saying this but when it came time to actually do it, I baited. I knew my new job was not where I was meant to be, but I stayed anyway and it cost me months of peace and mental stability. When you feel like you’ve given something all you can, you’re drained, and there’s no upward mobility, it’s time to leave that thang. Whether it’s a job, a romantic relationship, a friendship, whatever, you owe it to yourself to be stress-free.

2. Conflict =/= end of relationship.

Conflict, in layman’s terms, has always scared the fucking shit out of me. For real. Growing up, anytime conflict arose, I would get this weird feeling in my chest, butterflies doing the electric slide in my stomach, armpits soaked in sweat, and I could feel my heartbeat in my brain. I would later come to recognize this as anxiety, but as one could imagine, this made managing conflict quite difficult for me. I mostly shied away from it, ignoring my problems or not speaking up when something bothered me. I spent a very long time suppressing my feelings and letting people cross boundaries in the name of not wanting to rock the boat. Part of my fear was also rooted in my understanding of conflict through my parents’ marriage; let’s just say, I might as well have been watching a WWE Smackdown for tips on how to resolve conflict (sans physical violence). It also made me think it impossible to be able to come back from a disagreement with someone, so I thought that conflict meant that the relationship was over. Being in a romantic relationship taught me a lot about reframing the way I see conflict. In my mind, it was a lot easier to hide feelings from a friend because I could just drop them/don’t necessarily have to work it out with them, but with a romantic partner, I wouldn’t just break up after having one argument, that’s silly! (I was on some Molly shit, I know. I’ve grown since then). When my current partner and I first started dating, I would have really bad anxiety attacks anytime we had a disagreement. With time and therapy, I’ve learned to reframe the way I see conflict: 1) approaching it with an “Us vs. The Problem” mindset rather than “You vs. Me”, 2) from a problem solving standpoint and 3) being thoughtful and intentional about what I say and how I say it. One of my personal strong suits is problem-solving; I’m pretty good at thinking creatively and critically about ways to diffuse a problem, and so I started bringing that approach to my relationship and it’s helped me tremendously. It also helps to have a partner who’s not a dickhead and has a mutual understanding that even though you are upset, you can still speak to someone respectfully. Resolving conflict can be a conversation, it doesn’t have to be an argument. There’s a difference between the two. I wouldn’t say that my relationship with conflict is perfect now, but I would say that I have learned to not completely shy away from it. Advocating for myself will always be a good choice.

3. Healing is not linear.

I wrote about this recently for Selfishly Made, but I really wanted to stamp this. My experience with healing has been quite a journey. I started therapy in 2017, thinking that it would be an upward hill. Boy was I wrong. Committing to your own healing is hard work, but I’m so glad I decided to start this journey. As I move further into adulthood, I realize more and more how important it is to put myself first. To choose me. Of course, unpacking and healing from childhood trauma is something we all have trouble doing, as those were our formative years and will take a while to understand. Healing from more recent traumas, situations, relationships, etc. can also be difficult, but it’s important to remember that they just happened, and to give it time. A good way to think about it is like getting a cut. Cuts need time to heal, and you wouldn’t expect to see it healed with no scab the very next day after getting hurt. Your body needs to heal; extend that same grace and logic to your brain!

4. Do the shit you wanna do. Just do it.

(“Just do it.” That’s an excellent slogan, maybe I should patent that…)

No but seriously. The only thing stopping you is you. I’m top 5 “I-don’t-want-to-because-I’m-scared,” so I get it. I’m a huge wuss. But you gotta stop sleeping on you. This year, I saw what taking a risk and putting myself out there can really do. When you’re passionate about something, it will shine through in your work and it will resonate with others. I definitely have more work to do around being a better cheerleader for myself, but I’m not letting myself get in the way of showing the world who I am and what I have to offer.

(And if you’re reading this, please hold me accountable to that!!)

23 was a very trying but pivotal year for me, and I’m ready to continue stepping in to my purpose. These were just a few lessons that I learned, and there will obviously be room for more this year. Some others:

• Carry breath mints with you at all times. For yourself, but also for other people because they breath be stink and you shouldn’t be subjected to that.

• Never open a kombucha bottle after it’s been sitting in the fridge for a while, that shit will explode and almost take your eye out bro.

• Be careful around kids with balls, you can accidentally break your finger!

• You should have about 5 different ways to respectfully and professionally tell people to fuck off. Respectfully.

• Stack (and save) ya breesh, not ya treesh!!!