It's been a while... but I'm back. This post was inspired by one of my favorite TV shows, Bojack Horseman, specifically the episode "The Dog Days Are Over." In it, Diane goes to Vietnam and writes a post for GirlCroosh called, "10 Reasons to go to Vietnam: A GirlCroosh Personal Travel Guide." Luckily, I don't work for GirlCroosh, so this is just me putting my trauma on the internet. Happy reading!!

1. You took a break from social media.

Straight out of undergrad, I was in a really, really weird space. I had a “job” lined up, but it didn’t start until September. It was August, and I’d just spent half the summer being broke, bored and binge-watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and the other half traveling in the Caribbean and Europe. I’d been spending a sh*t ton of time on Instagram looking at other people’s lives and wondering why I was so raggedy and unemployed, like, UGH. So I took some time to recharge and get my head right. I was gone for almost 7 months. It was great.

2. Your relationship with your Mom sucks.

I used to be a #ChurchGirl. I was running around in people’s sanctuaries and singing about how Gawdt delivered me before I knew my times tables. My mother and her entire family are very Christian, and so, being in church and believing in Jesus was all I knew - until I got older. I found myself questioning my own faith, as well as everything I’d been taught. Including my sexuality. As one could imagine, Black churches (especially the Caribbean ones) don’t really want to hear about why we shouldn’t be homophobic/transphobic, why we shouldn’t teach young girls to succumb to the patriarchy, why women should be able to choose whether they want to have a baby or not, and just, a host of other things that the Bible tells us is wrong. About a month before I graduated from High School, my mother became an ordained minister, and since then, sh*t has gone downhill. We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and our relationship got even worse once I moved back home after graduating college. Needless to say, it was one hell of a year.

3. Your parents are getting a divorce. And they still live together. And you live with them.

The hardest part about living with two people who refuse to say a word to each other, but still have you in common… is just that. I’ve always heard that divorce brings out the worst in people, but experiencing it first hand was/is a lot to process. Waking up to texts like, “Can you tell your Dad to buy some milk?” or “Can you tell your mother to pay the cable bill!!!!” was really not the #vibe, as the young kids say. I knew it was time for me to be out of that situation when going to the house that I’ve lived in since… since, - my childhood home - felt like a dusty old roach motel. (Cheers to moving out and creating my own space for healing.)

4. You fall in… L*ve (Maybe Like. Or a strong infatuation. Unhealthy attachment? Eh, y’all get the point.)

I put off writing this part for so long because… I don’t even know what to say about this hot mess of a situation(ship). Just typing these words out is sending my heart rate up. All I can say is that I was in a very, very, very unstable place, emotionally. My self-esteem was in the trash. I was 22 and had only experienced romance through the movies I watched. I met someone who thought I was beautiful, and funny, and smart, and cute, and *actually* liked me back. So I ran with it, and I ended up spending 5 whole months of my life going back and forth (and back again) with someone who I knew wasn’t right for me off rip, but kept it going anyway (Did I mention that we were in the same internship, so I couldn’t avoid her? :) :) Don’t sh*t where you eat, kids!). Hindsight is 20/20, and with time, added wisdom, and lots of therapy, I’m never letting myself accept toxicity and call it l*ve ever again. And that’s on punctuation. And if *you* ever come across this, I’d like to say a giant fuck you for all the manipulative texts, that wild ass email (IYKYK), and for making me feel like my anxiety was a problem. But thanks for the memories I guess, and I hope you’re doing well. Next.

5. You get rejected from BOTH of the grad schools you applied to.

My dream is to work in the film industry. Directing, screenwriting, maybe some acting, alllll of it. I see myself being a prominent figure and stepping on necks in Hollywood, opening doors for others who look like me and share my experiences. I figure the best way for me to do that is to go to school and perfect my craft like others who came before me, so I applied to get my Master’s degree in screenwriting. USC was my dream school; I went to visit the campus in March 2018 with my mom and thought it was so amazing. California was just what I needed; lots of sun, access to Hollywood’s connections, and a nice move away from New York (winter is just, SO ghetto). I put my entire heart and soul into that application, lost sleep and all. And I didn’t get in. I half-assed NYU so I can say that that was an L I deserved, but coupled with not getting in to USC, it still hurt.

6. Your grandmother passed away.

Most of my close friends know that my family is a clusterfuck of fucked up fuckery (for lack of a better term :). A lot of it started before I was born, and not to sound self-deprecating, but my actual birth didn’t seem to make things any better. My paternal grandmother was a very complex individual, like all of us are. But it’s… a little different. From what I’ve been told (and could see from outer space) her and my mom did not get along, so naturally she didn’t like me either. This made for a very interesting dynamic between us growing up. My Dad, on the other hand, thought the world of his mother. Of course. Totally get it. However, it was almost like he had blinders on when it came to her, so anything she said, went. I always felt uncomfortable around my grandmother - didn’t like going to her house, trying to akekeke with her, it just all felt unnatural and forced. Death is always a tricky thing. Her death certainly wasn’t unexpected, but it was definitely hard to process. How do you grieve someone you had a rocky relationship with? What does it look like when you’re not feeling as sad as everyone else? Not to say that I was happy that she died, but I wasn’t sad either; I was feeling very confused. Numb. Unsure of what to feel. But also knowing that this whole thing was about to be a sh*tstorm and that I needed to be there for my Dad, because a sh*tstorm it was. Her funeral was… really something!!! If I wasn’t texting my sisters throughout it, I would’ve thought I was watching an episode of Wild-N-Out. I sh*t you not, but that’s another blog post. Anywho, grief is a monster and a very tough beast that never really goes away, you kind of just learn to tame it. And after all is said and done, I still pray that my grandmother is resting in peace.

7. You accept a job that’s completely wrong for you, and you feel trapped for 6 months.

Nearing the end of my service year/internship, it was time to job search. I couldn’t be unemployed. I needed to make good money so I could move out of my parent’s house and be happy (cause THAT’S the solution, right? LOL). My best friend asked me how I’d feel about teaching, and I was more than excited to become a teacher. Aside from writing/art, education has always been my second love. I wanted to be a teacher when I was younger and even started college as an education major. That ended when I actually took the classes and realized that maybeeeeeeee I don’t care about kids as much as I thought I did. Anyway, I scored an in-person interview at my friend’s school. Upon meeting the principal, I felt that something was off. She didn’t smile when she shook my hand (red flag). Her tone during the interview was very cold (red flag #2), and during my practice of the demo lesson I was supposed to teach, she was very condescending and made me do simple things over and over again because she didn’t think it was good enough (red fucking flag #3). I got the job though, and I was really happy and excited. The thing about ignoring red flags is that moment when you realize you’ve been ignoring them, but you’re in too deep. Long story short, my boss & her leadership team were problematic, anti-Black assholes, I was being overworked and underpaid, hated the senseless shit I had to teach, and just hated everything about the job. I loved my students though, and it was very hard for me to make the decision to leave them. But I had to get the fuck out of there (ASAP!!!).

8. You realize that all of these reasons you “quit” are also reasons to keep going… and so you do.

Needless to say, I had one HELL of a year. 2019 was just… a giant L. And this wasn’t even everything that happened - I also lost my health insurance at a time that I really needed it, someone stole my car window (??)... just, a mess. I wish I could say something poetic about how I learned from the pain and came out stronger on the other side and shit, but I don’t know that that’s what’s happened. All I can say is that all this shit definitely makes for great content to write/talk about, and so here I am. One of my goals/anti-resolutions (Yes, anti-resolutions, because who TF actually keeps up with their New Year’s Resolutions? Camman.) for this year was to handle adversities with more grace, because the truth is, they’re not going anywhere. Life is literally a collection of ups AND downs, so for me to stub my toe, for example, and then be on some “I should just eat a bag of tide pods because my life is over!!!!!” is just… dramatic. But I’m learning, and the Lord is not finished with me yet. So I figure, why not put my pain towards something that’s cathartic for me? After all, I’m a gemini; I love drama!